When a friend or relative shares the news that they have lost someone close, it is natural to feel their sorrow too. Many condolence messages they are sure to receive. Grief over losing someone makes a person more sensitive. It is not certain that the condolence messages we offer are the ones they want to hear.
As someone close to them, we need to understand that sadness is a normal response to losing someone meaningful. A grieving person does need encouragement to ease their sadness. However, not every kind of remark is appropriate during a time of mourning. To avoid saying the wrong thing when offering condolences, it helps to think first about the words you want to express. Here are some ways to approach offering condolences.
1. Understanding what they are feeling after losing someone
Losing someone meaningful in one's life is certainly very painful. Before offering condolences to a friend or relative, it is best to first understand what they are feeling. Do not ask them to stop crying, let alone ask them not to be sad. Such remarks can actually make their mood worse.
Give them time to calm themselves. If crying helps them feel relieved, simply stay with them and acknowledge what they are feeling. It is better to say, "I share in the loss you are feeling. It's okay if you want to cry, and I believe you can be stronger." Then let them settle themselves until they feel more stable.
2. Not asking about what happened
During a time of grief, a person's feelings tend to be unstable. If they are asked about events that have already passed, this may disturb their mood. Instead of offering condolences, trying to find out the cause of someone's death is the wrong approach.
Not everyone is able to recall the hardest moments of their life, including the loss of a beloved person. Asking about the sequence of events can make someone feel pressured. It is better to help them calm down; simply say, "I'm here to keep you company, and I'm here if you need someone to talk to." Once they are calmer, let them share their story on their own if they wish.
3. Offering support without giving advice
When someone is sad, we often want to try to comfort them. It is not uncommon to advise them not to keep grieving. However, this approach is less suitable when done during a time of mourning.
Everyone responds to loss differently. If you give advice at a time like this, it may make the person feel cornered and guilty. It is better to simply offer support, such as, "You will get through all of this. It feels hard, but I'm still here if you need anything."
4. Helping them without asking what they need
Offering help to someone who is grieving is certainly not wrong. However, it is not uncommon for someone to decline or not answer when asked what they need. It is better to directly provide help they are sure to need. For example, staying with them until the burial is finished, or helping to prepare refreshments for the guests who attend. If you are unable to do so, help their family with arranging the prayer gatherings. Help like this can mean more to them.
5. Showing attention to comfort them
Losing a loved one is indeed the most difficult situation a person can face. This experience can change someone because they need time to adjust. Do not say that their attitude has changed or pressure them to be fine. Such words will actually hurt them. It is better to understand the situation they are going through, as what happened is not easy. If they need time alone, simply show your care by sending food or vitamins so their health stays well. In this way, they will not feel truly alone, because someone is still looking out for them.
These approaches can help you offer condolences well. Always be mindful of your surroundings and think before you speak. Through small gestures, we can help others or, on the contrary, hurt them.
For your information, Kamboja offers a range of services, from funeral arrangements and third-party handling to benefits for the family. You can access all of these processes without needing a long wait.
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The Kamboja team writes guides on bereavement, funeral arrangements and funeral planning to help families in Indonesia.
